What Does Poor Mental Wellbeing Look Like? The Signs You Might Be Missing
When you think of someone struggling with their mental wellbeing, what comes to mind?
Maybe you picture someone who is constantly anxious, overwhelmed, crying, or struggling to get out of bed.
But what about someone who seems perfectly fine? Someone who gets up every morning, goes to work, takes care of their responsibilities, and even considers themselves pretty good at managing their emotions?
Is this you? I know it was me for quite a while.
Poor mental wellbeing doesn't always look like falling apart.
Sometimes it looks like accepting a life you no longer enjoy because you've convinced yourself that's just how life works.
You might not feel particularly sad. You might not even consider yourself unhappy. Instead, you feel a little blah. Life is fine. Nothing is necessarily terrible, but nothing feels particularly exciting either. You may think this is just what life is when you become an adult.
The problem is that when we become accustomed to feeling disconnected from ourselves, we can stop recognizing that something isn't working.
When I Mistook Being Calm for Being Mentally Well
Back in 2022, I returned to my marriage after a separation. We had gone through intensive therapy, and I had learned a tremendous amount about communication, including tools from relationship researcher John Gottman.
I had learned how to stay calm during difficult conversations. I could manage my reactions, choose my words carefully, and avoid escalating disagreements. I really thought I had it all figured out.
I mean, come on, I was being so emotional mature.
Except there was a problem.
Somewhere along the way, I had confused being calm with being emotionally healthy. In therapy, I had been encouraged to remain calm during difficult interactions. And I became exceptionally good at it.
So good, in fact, that I was slowly making myself numb. I wasn't allowing myself to fully feel what I was experiencing. I wasn't acknowledging what was hurting me or accepting that some things simply weren't working for me.
Instead, I kept trying to find a better way to communicate, a better way to respond, a better way to manage myself. What I eventually recognized was that I hadn't learned to process my emotions. I had learned to suppress them. And those are two very different things.
Emotional regulation allows you to experience your feelings without letting them control every decision you make. Emotional suppression is when you continually push those feelings aside, often because you've decided they're inconvenient, unacceptable, or too difficult to address.
I had become so focused on managing my responses that I wasn't paying attention to what those responses were trying to tell me. And that's one of the reasons I think conversations about mental wellbeing need to go beyond the obvious symptoms.
What Are the Signs of Poor Mental Wellbeing?
Poor mental wellbeing can show up in your thoughts, emotions, behaviors, relationships, and even your physical health.
And no, experiencing one of these things occasionally doesn't automatically mean something is wrong with your mental health. We all have difficult days, stressful periods, and times when life feels less than wonderful.
What matters is recognizing patterns, especially when those patterns begin affecting how you experience your life.
1. You Feel Blah and Assume That's Just Adulthood
You wake up, go to work, take care of your responsibilities, maybe scroll through your phone or watch some television, and go to bed.
Then you do it again.
And again.
Nothing is necessarily terrible.
But if someone asked whether you were genuinely enjoying your life, you might struggle to answer. Maybe you tell yourself this is simply what happens as we get older. We have responsibilities. We can't expect life to be exciting all the time. And you're right. Life isn't going to be exciting every minute. But there's a difference between accepting that life has ordinary moments and resigning yourself to a life that no longer feels fulfilling.
When did we decide that being disappointed with our lives was simply part of being an adult?
Feeling blah occasionally is normal. Feeling chronically disconnected, uninterested, or dissatisfied deserves your attention. Not because you need to immediately overhaul your entire life, but because those feelings may be telling you something worth exploring.
2. You've Become Increasingly Resentful or Bitter
So many people seem to miss this piece, it sneaks up on them, and becomes behaviors they aren't even aware they are feeling so damn resentful. Maybe you're more irritated by the people around you. You find yourself making sarcastic comments, getting frustrated over little things, or mentally keeping score of everything you do for everyone else.
You might think you've become more patient because you no longer argue or express your frustrations. But underneath that silence, resentment is growing. I've experienced how numbness can disguise what is actually happening emotionally. When we repeatedly ignore our needs, dismiss our feelings, or convince ourselves we shouldn't be upset, those emotions don't necessarily disappear.
3. You're Constantly Having Arguments in Your Head
Have you ever found yourself replaying a conversation hours after it happened?
Maybe you're imagining what you should have said. Or you're preparing for a conversation that hasn't even taken place. You mentally defend your choices, explain your feelings, or argue with someone who isn't actually there.
And sometimes you get yourself pretty worked up over an argument that exists entirely in your imagination!
Occasional mental rehearsals are normal. They can even help us prepare for difficult conversations.
But when you're regularly spending your time defending yourself in your own head, it's worth asking why.
These mental arguments can consume a surprising amount of your attention and emotional energy.
And they may be an indication that something in your life needs to be addressed rather than endlessly rehearsed.
4. You've Stopped Communicating What You Need
At some point, you stop asking. Maybe you've convinced yourself that your needs aren't that important. Maybe you don't want to disappoint someone, create conflict, or appear demanding. Or perhaps you've tried communicating your needs so many times without a productive outcome that you've decided it isn't worth the effort anymore.
When you consistently abandon your own needs to maintain peace or avoid discomfort, there's a cost.
You can gradually lose touch with what you actually want. And eventually, you may find yourself struggling to answer a surprisingly simple question:
What would make me happy?
5. Your Dreams and Desires Keep Getting Pushed Aside
Remember when you had things you wanted to do? Maybe you wanted to start a business, change careers, travel, learn something new, write a book, or pursue an interest that genuinely excited you.
But then life was lifeing and became overwhelming - there were bills to pay, people to take care of, responsibilities to manage. And slowly, those things you wanted became things you used to want.
Or at least that's what you tell yourself.
You might even convince yourself that wanting something different is selfish, unrealistic, or irresponsible.
Now, I'm not suggesting we can all abandon our responsibilities and chase every desire that crosses our minds. But I do believe there's a difference between making intentional choices about our priorities and repeatedly denying ourselves the opportunity to pursue what matters to us.
When you consistently put your own desires on the back burner, you may begin to feel as though you're simply existing rather than actively participating in your life.
6. You Feel Like Life Is Happening to You
This is one of the biggest patterns I notice in conversations about personal growth. People begin to see their lives as a collection of circumstances they have no influence over.
They have the job they have.
The relationships they have.
The routines they have.
And somewhere along the way, they decide these are simply the cards they've been dealt.
At some point, what is even available as a choice seems to disappear. We don't control every single thing that happens to us but we do always have a choice in the way we live. There is also a difference between recognizing what we cannot control and surrendering ownership of everything we can.
When we stop examining our choices, we can begin to feel powerless even in areas where we do have influence. And that feeling of powerlessness can significantly affect our wellbeing.
7. Your Body May Be Responding to Stress Before You Recognize It
Our mental and physical wellbeing are connected.
When we experience ongoing stress, our bodies activate systems designed to help us respond to challenges. One of those systems involves cortisol, a hormone that plays an important role in our stress response.
But chronic stress can disrupt normal stress-response patterns and contribute to problems involving sleep, digestion, immune function, and cardiovascular health. You might notice that you're constantly tired, struggling to sleep, experiencing muscle tension, or dealing with frequent headaches.
Of course, these symptoms can have many causes, and they shouldn't automatically be attributed to stress or poor mental wellbeing. But they are worth paying attention to.
What Happens When You Ignore Poor Mental Wellbeing?
One of the biggest costs of ignoring our mental wellbeing is that we can gradually lose our sense of ownership over our lives.
And it rarely happens overnight.
We make one small compromise...then another.
We ignore something that bothers us because it doesn't seem worth addressing.
We put off something we want because the timing isn't right.
We convince ourselves that we're being practical, patient, or mature.
And sometimes those decisions are absolutely appropriate. But when they become our default way of living, we can end up years down the road wondering how we got here.
We may experience:
Growing resentment toward people or responsibilities we once enjoyed.
Less emotional connection in our relationships.
Difficulty identifying or expressing our needs.
Reduced motivation to pursue meaningful goals.
A sense of helplessness or lack of control.
Chronic stress and its potential physical effects.
Disappointment with a life that no longer reflects what we want.
And perhaps one of the most difficult parts is that we can begin to believe this is simply who we are now.
But the behaviors and beliefs we've developed to navigate our circumstances don't have to become permanent definitions of our identity.
We can learn to recognize them.
We can question whether they're still serving us.
And we can begin making different choices.
How to Start Improving Your Mental Wellbeing
If you've recognized yourself in some of these examples, I don't want you to walk away thinking you need to completely reinvent your life.
In fact, I'd encourage you not to start there.
One of the most effective ways I've found to help people begin creating change is to start small.
Why?
Because when you've spent a long time ignoring your own needs, doubting your decisions, or feeling as though life is happening to you, making enormous changes can feel overwhelming. Instead, we can begin rebuilding self-trust through small, intentional actions.
And the first step is awareness.
Step 1: Conduct a Mini Life Audit
Before deciding what needs to change, take a little time to examine where you are.
Consider the different areas of your life:
Career and work
Relationships and connection
Physical health and energy
Personal growth and interests
Finances and security
Fun, enjoyment, and fulfillment
Time, responsibilities, and daily routines
For each area, ask yourself:
Am I genuinely satisfied with this part of my life, or have I simply accepted it?
Notice that I'm not asking whether everything is perfect.
I'm asking whether the life you're experiencing reflects what you actually want.
There may be areas where you're genuinely happy.
There may be areas where you're content for now.
And there may be areas where you've been telling yourself you're fine even though you know you want something different.
You don't need to judge any of your answers.
Just be willing to acknowledge them.
Step 2: Identify What You Actually Want
Choose one area where you'd like something to change.
Then ask yourself:
What would I rather experience?
Not what you think you should want.
Not what someone else believes you should be grateful for.
What do YOU want?
Maybe you want to feel more connected in your relationships.
Maybe you want work that challenges you intellectually.
Maybe you want more time for yourself.
Or maybe you simply want to wake up feeling excited about something again.
Give yourself permission to acknowledge the desire before deciding whether it's realistic.
Recognizing what you want doesn't obligate you to immediately act on it.
It simply allows you to stop pretending the desire doesn't exist.
Step 3: Examine Why You Believe You Can't Have It
This is where things can get interesting.
Once you've identified what you want, ask yourself:
Why do I believe I can't have this?
And pay attention to the answers.
Some may feel like legitimate limitations that require planning, resources, or time - but question how true these limitations are and begin to ask for a way to discover the solution around them.
Others may be assumptions you've never questioned.
Maybe you believe you're too old to change careers.
Maybe you think prioritizing yourself makes you selfish.
Maybe you're convinced you'll fail because something didn't work out in the past.
Or perhaps you're afraid of disappointing someone.
Step 4: Find One Small Thing You Can Take Ownership Of
This is where I encourage people to begin.
Not with a dramatic declaration that everything is going to change. But with one small action.
If you're unhappy with your work, perhaps you spend 20 minutes researching another career path.
If you're feeling disconnected from people you care about, maybe you initiate a conversation you've been avoiding.
If you've stopped doing things you enjoy, perhaps you set aside an hour this week to do something simply because you want to.
If you feel overwhelmed by how much attention you're giving to other people's opinions, maybe you begin noticing when you're making decisions based on what someone else might think.
Every time you follow through on a small commitment to yourself, you create another opportunity to strengthen your self-trust.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Not every period of dissatisfaction or emotional discomfort indicates a mental health condition. But persistent emotional numbness, loss of interest in things you previously enjoyed, ongoing anxiety, hopelessness, or changes in sleep, appetite, or daily functioning can sometimes be associated with conditions such as depression or anxiety.
If these experiences persist, intensify, or interfere with your ability to function, speaking with a qualified mental health professional can help you understand what's happening and identify appropriate support.
And you don't have to wait until you're in crisis to seek help.
Coaching and personal development can support self-awareness, goal setting, and behavioral change, but they aren't substitutes for mental health assessment or treatment when those services are needed.
Ready to Take a Closer Look at Your Life?
If you've been feeling like you're just going through the motions, I encourage you to start with a simple life audit.
Take a few minutes to examine the areas of your life where you're genuinely satisfied, where you've settled into acceptance, and where you might be ready for something different.
You don't have to figure everything out today. Start with one area, one honest answer, and one small choice. Because you don't have to change your entire life to begin taking ownership of it.
You just have to start.
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